Sometimes I feel that strong breath of wind, that loud whoosh…that unbelievable rushing blow that knocks you off your feet, that rips the oxygen from your lungs, that takes the breath out of your sails. Like I’m caught up in some kind of frighteningly out-of-control wayward wind.
It leaves me feeling as if I don’t know where I’m going. As if I don’t know which way is right or left, up or down. As if I don’t know much of anything, sometimes.
That’s the way I have felt for a while now. This summer, I’ve attended writing and self-help conferences. I’ve run city-wide marathons and urban scavenger hunts. I’ve ministered with Texas prisoners who are seeking hope in a seemingly hopeless world. I’ve toured states with magnificent waterfalls and some of the best seashores our country has to offer. I’ve visited our nation’s capital and stood on the steps of the US Supreme Court amidst a major legal controversy.
In my own backyard, I’ve planted and nourished and harvested a huge garden and fruit orchard under an incessant attack by squirrels and crows and red birds. I’ve mowed acres of grass that have benefitted and flourished from the consistent rains that have daily come in answer to prayers from those who have known drought. I’ve babysat grandchildren and not only blossomed from their unconditional love but wilted from their incessant selfish needs. I’ve helped a daughter with a move into a first home and the attendant decorating needs that go along with such. I have friends who are dealing with life-and-death issues. I’ve nursed a son through a traumatic brain injury from a needless accident.
I’ve been up. I’ve been down. I’ve felt like I was carrying some kind of weight in my arms that I can’t even define what it is that I’m hauling around. Whatever it is, I want to set it down. I want to be free of it. But, first, I have to understand what it is that I’m carrying and can’t let loose of. Is it anger? Is it fear? Is it relief, or sorrow, or joy, or some kind of anxiety and depression? I don’t know. I truly don’t, but I’ve got to find the answers.
That may take some time.
I’m not sure where to begin.
And so, I’ve got to be okay right now with not knowing where I’m going or where I’m supposed to be or what it is that I’m supposed to be doing. I’ve simply got to be okay with that. Life, I’ve found, turns on a dime, and I am turning right now. Spinning, in fact.
God’s got it all in control. I have to believe that. It’s one of those Plot Points in a novel—the moment when the story pivots and takes on a different trajectory. That’s where I am. It’s God’s story, and I have to understand that I’m simply in the middle of a Plot Point. A Turning Point. Where it goes, nobody knows. Well, God knows, of course, even if I don’t. That, I have to trust.
And so…my hiatus from writing. My excuse for not blogging. My excuse for avoiding anything that smacks of reflection and thought. That’s where I’ve been and where I’m headed. Life right now is made up of living and doing and serving and praying and running and watching and growing and harvesting and guiding and entertaining and laughing and crying. Gotta be okay with all that.
Yep. I’ve just got to be okay with that. God’s Plot Point. That’s where I am.
Perhaps tomorrow I’ll find myself adrift on a new waft of this wayward draft of air. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll catch a lift on the next current and see which way it takes me. That is where I am, and that is where I’ll be next.
Part of the daring adventure that we call Life…
The Wayward Wind.